so today wasnt as good as i thought would be.

mp3 spat.
church was not bad, but i was quite consumed by thoughts. i think its all culmulating into one boiling point. church, school, family. im tired. upcoming church events worry me to hell. im think im more affected by flunking math than i thought i would be. its math after all. math. its evidence that im screwing up a lot of things i shant elaborate. but im trying to be happy, or at least seem happy.
and yay, dinner spat.

had dinner at 930pm

so close to getting gastric k thx.

very tired. and i dont feel like doing any work. so slack.
too slack. i want to do work. tired. will probably go to sleep.

somehow a tired/weary me looks horrible in my going out clothes. tried on a stack of them, none seems to look the way it usually should.



i know, gloomy post but

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY NICOLETANWANPIN! :) 1 april 89
loads loads and loads of love. i totally love bitching with you woman :)

weekends are LOVE.

going to church makes me happy.
waking up at ten am makes me happy too.

doing nothing last night makes me very happy (abeit slightly guilty)
talking to bestfriend (gaywoman!) last night makes me very happy too.

seeing youth lovelies makes me very happy too.
happy happy happy.


love love love.

i dont want to go into weekdays again. not with block tests results coming out :(

okay. i failed math. call it SUBPASS or whatever you like but its a good 25 marks or so short of usual.

i dont want to talk about it, i dont want to discuss it, i dont want to hear about it, i dont want to know any so called advice,
from anyone who wants to chastise, disapprove or whatnot.

stay. away.


anyway today's gp discussed a slightly interesting topic - elitism.

i just felt that its something singaporeans have to accept in the society to some extent. the elites are neccessary in this country, to drive to sustain to stimulate the economy. going against the idea of having ranks, positions and elites is pure foolishness, being that we have zero resources except for manpower i.e. brains, which we dont have that much in quantity either with the much discussed declining birth rates.

thats why i feel that the increment in pay benchmarked by 2/3s of private sector for ministers etc is justified. you need to keep these talents in the government service. if you pay peanuts for your government workers, you will get peanut-worth civil servants. you dont want to be run by a bunch of inefficient fools do you?


and i really wanna go SMU! was there this afternoon for economics lecture. city campus is so nice! :)

so tired. thoughts are kinda incoherent and in a mess. legs are sore and aching from yesterday.
dinner time, so be back later :)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I LOVE NICOLETANWANPIN =DD

gosh that woman is so sweet la!



hahaha i wanna cry already lmao!
lots of love! :)

but NICOLE TAN YOUR A REAL LIAR LA.
like hello promise never to be apart? and WHERE are you NOW?? kangarooland. hahaha!

come back soon yes! =D

today was a jolly good day :)
nothing spectacular happened per say, but it was rather smooth sailing, generally amiable and all things pleasant.

2.4km was without the huffs and puffs and leg cramps and all that crap. in fact, it passed by in quite a breeze!

badminton was generally happy too. I WANT THE MEDAL! (for the league thing)
but some how i dont think they'll let me get one leh :/

The Father has warned of the evils of blogs. somewhat a repeat of today's Compass talk hah.
well, honestly do you think i do not track all visitors who pop by? annoymous, random or not?

i do la okay. i KNOW whos reading...

plus theres a few other secret nameless, separate account, locked ones that i rant at. the slightly more controversial or sensitive issues. im not exactly stupid. direct and frankness is good, but not in some cases.

anyhow i wish people would let me study NORMALLY for a change. dont go all shocked, just because i want to do my homework now. dont question why im reading my notes, because i want to study for my tests. its normal right? its like people WANT me to study less (i.e. slack). kind of crazy really. some times some people are really kaypoh for nothing.

econs is a real cow.
so's maths stats.

casting crowns is nice btw :) been listening to quite some alternative lately! and YAY im going for worship leading sems! so exciting la hahaha



maths stats is a pain in the ass. anything with the summation sign repulses me on the spot. and i hate sitting in the centre back rows, but tho i gripe a lot at least its better than lt5- which is so sleep-prone and distracted-by-pierre's-incessant-chattering-prone

went to parkway MPH to look for othello notes. gahh singapore literature resources really suck. no othello guidebooks left, so limited la the copies! and the parkway mph is the only one which stocks lit guides.

been sleeping EVERY afternoon. this has GOT to stop.
i think i havent fully recovered yet from last wks spate of illnesses. am still on the pills. smirks. MEDICINE la okay!

AND IM GETTING MATHS TUITION AHAHAHAHAA. finally!
i cant cope on my own with too many activities and committments going on la.


you know, on a separate note, no one in church would really understand how hellish, how gruesome, JC life can be. in particular, in meridian or all those crazy chao-mug chao-competitive top 5 JCs. no one would get why sometimes i have to miss one day out of two entire days from church just because i have to rush the very basic homework. im not even completing most of my tutorials la hello not to mention revision :( it feels lousy to know you screwd up your block tests so bad, never this bad before.

haha i think xw is getting a clue on how its gnna be like tho. but nothing like the full onslaught.


ohhh and british accents are really yummy. GENUINE ones k thanks. simon cowell actually sounds... nice when he isnt all bitchy! hahaha. yeah am watching american idol. theres this chick haley who has REALLY nice legs lolllll

i miss nicoletanwanpin btw :) lots of love!

today was misery.

seriously. the moment i stepped into maths lecture i had a pounding migraine, which lasted the ENTIRE day. gah. never had it so bad before.

it feels like the start of a whole new protracted (reminded of hist's arab-israeli conflict :/) warfare all over again. tiredness, work, sleep. body's all sore all over strangely.

joan's blog sounds :( so does sabrina's..
kenneth (the mj one) is emo about school, grades and block tests

i refuse/d to let myself think too much about my papers.
but i were to go into the subject, in short, i f***ed it up. and very badly too. i never encountered not being sure of ANY definite passes. hah. okay no more about this.


been sleeping every afternoon for certes.
wake up feeling more tired/weary than ever.

monday was happy, tuesday threw me back in the hell-loop.
i only hope it gets better for this week, i really do.

ironically, the persons i dont look at, are in my direction. and more than one..
how complicated. the theory does then hold somewhat true, that the unattainable are often more attractive; well at least in my case.

and someone was talking to me earlier, do the goodlooking people tend to band with the goodlooking people? i think so. its a certain common consciousness or similarities to their own (self?) imaging that brings them together. its like somewhat of a common interest. its not a bad thing per say..





today was a quite a good one. actually one of the more brilliant ones

i was happy happy happy. nevermind that school term has officially started after the block tests. haha i was amused during history, entertained during lit, interested during maths, awake during econs :) :) :)

thank you God!

haha and i miss church and all the various gay lovelies already :)
am slotted to lead worship for the youth anniversary thing in june and in june camp as well. yay! but so :( that this year camp cant bring along the drum set, so yeah i cant do all the really cool songs! i hope i get my voice back tho, falling sick sucks. really really bad for the throat :(
AND SONGXIAOWEN BETTER GO TO THE CORNERSTONE THING WITH ME NEXT THURS, i dont wanna go alone :(



cos you said you'd hold up the rain
shield me from the storm
run the path with me
- as long as i told you that i wanted you to.

heyyyy as you can see,
ive SHIFTED HERE. so please relink!

i kinda lost the old site also, somehow they wont let me make back clarify- to post my new link! i think its the "-" in the url that causes all the trouble la :(( quite sad to move. ive been with clarify-.blogspot.com for quite a few years already.


anw "pherenal" is a word i made up. a combination of some choice words, taking separate few meanings of ceaseless (perennial), of the mind (phreno), always (eternal) and one more that i temporarily forgot. haha so absent minded lately.. basically i think the word is just pretty la :)

hell starts all over again tmw :(

PE is :( :( :(



youth today was BRILLIANT =DD
im a very happy soul.
had happy convo with xw about jc & his sajc, had a happy main worship practice with the usual team, had a happy gaying around session with some of the youths during the music teaching sessions, had a happy and enjoyable youth cell leaders training, had a very happy worship, had a happy message, and had a very happy day :)

IKEA-ed for dinner again and i bought a dishy new chair. its crimsom red, oak really soft and comfy! :))))

still havent got my wallet, but no rush really. i dont wanna buy something i dont like.

oh and tokyo juliet has a spastic story line. its a no brainer, and its getting repetitive! but im watchin it cos of wu zun! :)

and when will that day come?

no more mistakes,
no more mistakes.

phantom of the opera!

debut night AND best seats in the house! $162 ones :)

the props were just AMAZING.
amazing amazing amazing.

hahaha the guy who played Raoul is quite good looking, and Christine (the lead, not my cousin) is really darn prettier. prettier than her photos too. haha not that christine-my-cousin is not pretty la, she is okay! :)

i enjoyed it. and i bought the phantom book as well. i just forgot whats the proper name for it.


now off to watching more mindless things on youtube!

oh and im 90% moving to pherenal.blogspot.com, but dont relink me yet. i might just become too lazy to move all my old entries, skin, blahblahblah over.

lots of love! and i bought cute chocolates for the livewire! lovelies as well :)

everyone sounds really happy and cheerful. haha man, is jc life repressive or what?

freakin RETARDED.
my friend (some j1) just told me that blogs with a "-" tend not to show at times. ARGH. no wonder lately, i cant see mine! :( i thought weeyang was seeing things la, or rather NOT seeing things. im considering moving to a new address, dunno bout blogger tho.

anw how were block tests? awful.
aside from all other SCREWY papers, i believe this is the first maths test that i have quite an equal chance of flunking. how sad. i left a couple of qns blank anw and had a horrible migraine during the three-hour paper :(


ANYWAY ITS (@&!^#(@_@*#(!_@#*#&# OVER, THANK GOD!
IM SO DAMN HAPPY.

this weekend im going to do as many mindless things as possible, because i sure wont have the chance to do that very soon! like watching lots of SPASTIC TEEVEE SHOWS (eyecandies!), reading lots of TRASH GOSSIP MAGAZINES, gaming and possibly going to the beach for some fresh air and all that trash.

i had a fun time with serena, adora, zukai, kenichi & kw today at IKEA and TM! haha mucho loves, yes! :) lately ive been spending more time with my classmates, more than ever actually, since i usually split my time among a couple different groups. im enjoying it tho :) haha but not that i dont miss the rest la, cos i do! btw IKEA is brilliant, pure genius! i love their glasswares, i love their candles, i love their pillows, i love their photoframes, i love i love i love! so many things to buy la ok. i will be going back there soon. i only purchased this small cute glass bottle with a cap; im filling it up and giving it to someone who i need to express my thanks :)


yes and this post has lots of :) :) :) :) doesnt it?? =D

haha i tend to rant a bit here, more posts a day often means more :( cos if im so deliriously happy i wont exactly stop half way and think "i must rush home now to blog about this!" wont i? haha :)

tmw am going to the beach to slack probably if i wake up early enough (i.e any time during or before lunch!) then at night is PHANTOM OF THE OPERA =D will be watching it double times. so happens my mom was given tickets to the debut night :)



somehow im consumed by this inexplicable feeling. a some what mix of tiredness, dreariness, emptiness (?) aided by a dull throbbing ache at the side of my head.

cant help feeling a tad gloomy as well.
it IS comparing gatsby and heartofdarkness after all. and i dont think ive exactly read either books even once in complete form. all bits and pieces, bits and pieces.


like im not even doing lit anymore even tho the paper is about an hour away!
i sort of gave up early in the morning. am starting on j1 maths instead. i have no idea how im going to complete ALL j1 maths within perhaps two hours or less.

i hate coughing and choking on my cough during papers. it disrupts my thought process. i could have been in a midst of an EUREKA! moment, but no, the coughing seems to come at all ill opportuned moments.

i wish lit didnt have two separate papers.
id have more time to study for maths then.

i really CANT fail maths. i never have, and i dont wish to break this sort of (good) routine.
but somehow anw, i feel really unprepared..

sigh.

sorry darling/s, im not in a bad mood exactly, but im just... tired i suppose.

give me some strength to fly, to soar.




i forgot to mention that i didnt read the any of the econs extracts, save for one line or two. my friend said they were important- i sure hope NOT! :/ i should have used that MC today tho. wasted. i really need sleep. i look like panda bear despite sleeping every afternoon these few days..

anyhow slacked today. brunched with some class mates before going home to sleep.

wish i could sleep more really.

arent really very worried for lit, cos its kinda like whats done is done. you CANT cram lit no wayyyy! (i think)

i really got to be more hardworking when the school term starts. really.
for a start, doing all or most of my tutorials would be good.


i WILL have fun this week, before the results are out and back to hellish days with the hey-a-levels-are-so-damn-near thoughts and images bombarding me from the teachers, to every other school mate to even my self (self pressure haha).

its weird that i cant view my page. screwy blogger i bet :(

anw the whole lit gatsby thing: i guess in a way life now is like that isnt it? those who are stuck on the past, who are too nostalgic, wont survive. its always the moving on, the moving forwards that propels you to success. HAHA, eh i DO know something about my lit text k! in short, gatsby is quite stupid leh. but the extent of his naivette/stupidity/whatnot and determination is quite admirable eh? too bad it wasnt channeled in the right way.

think its the same for my econs. major set back this year, the first time i scored a flat disgusting zero on my essay. well i answered the wrong question la, but its still zero nonetheless and heavily demoralising and discouraging. as a friend has said, you cant get any worse, its only upwards from down there. yahhhh, but how upwards huh?




so. in short

ive gotten quite sick during this block test period. how unlucky.
i hate swallowing pills btw. haha sounds stupid but i have to cut my pills into tiny pieces esle i cant swallow them. lawl.

history was its usual (eww) self
lit was quite a shocker. i pretty much hate all williams around now. william shakespeare and william blake be blamed!
econs. well. i was coughing more than concentrating on the paper :(

heck. two more subjects and its SLACKING TIME! =DD



small things make michelle ridiculously happy.

church, more so, brightens up my entire day. im glad i went today instead of slouching at home and emoing and trying to study.

haha i just hope i can get enough done later on.
sleep first la. :)

church never fails to drain out all my energy. oh and uncle siowhui's msg today was good. i didnt accidentally doze off for a bit at all! =DD


He who gives all hope :)

im getting ridiculously scared.

terrified
alarmed
anxious
apprehensive
distressed
strung out
wrecked
rattled.


my slackerish disposition does not help, DAMN IT!

i hate being a wreck. oh God.

freak. i lost my post for the THIRD time, well damn it.

anw im pretty much into the likes of lifehouse, the afters & co. :) would you call it emo rock? im not too sure.

oh i meant to say this earlier:
i love nicole!

thanks for being there. but then again thats what best friends are for right!
from whinging bout annoying boys to school and what not! well, you would be much more appreciated if you came back from melbourne for good :)

people are like trains. if youre on the same path its alright, but what happens when the path diverges, and separate ways are chosen? you read the map first before you go, stupid.

oh i know i initially said i would not be going tmw morning for service but i guess i missed church and its lovelies so very much! :)

"When all your plans are made out lying on the floor
And all your dreams are turning into nothing more
When all your hope has left you know you're not alone
Just hold on
Hold on

Tell me everything you need now anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall
Yeah, When you come undone
When you come undone

you know what. i always wanted to be REALLY GOOD at something, anything.

gah its so nice to be able to say "im pretty much fast on the maths" or "i can grasp those lit symbolism/imageries/concepts easy", or just shrug your shoulders and not even THINK about it, whatever it is.

im good at nothing. im not artsyfartsy, neither have i any inclinations to the sciences, or to sports. lazy is (or rather, used to be) my middle name la. i improved recently already ok :) uncle Choy didnt yell across the track/field the past few PE lessons to quit dawdling.

and its not good for nothing la. its good AT nothing.

i want to be brilliant at mathsliteconshistgp kthx!
i'd love to be talented at tinkering with those ivory keys and be as good as darlenezschech
and it'd be a big big bonus if i can be as fast as that crazy ghanas, or whatever country nut, i see on teevee, and not so lazy please!

freaking MSN wont log me in :(

btw chinese dramas are brilliant. seriously! the channel8 7pm one is pure thrill while the channelU 7pm one is pure yummyness. i keep switching from channel to channel to the annoyance of my mother/brother/aunty/whoever else. wuzun is damn good looking la, its just not fair. not for me, but for the rest of the asian male population! he should have shared some of his good looking genes la. its like an unequal good-genes distribution! hahaha is there a genes' version of the Gini Coefficient? LMAO.

anw ill trust in Him to help me thru next week. being that i havent touched my j1 math, completed reading ANY of my lit texts, history being in it usual bits and pieces and econs.. gah. econs is pure demoralising. i need a miracle ok? :) haha. im TRYING la alright, for a change.

its time to get used to trying more often.




gosh. this laptop is so WEIRD. it gigantises EVERYTHING in the IE browser. zomg. im not blind la hello!

after block tests im gnna party for at least one week straight! hahaha im busy planning and thinking of possibilities of filling all my days up already =D

anw i just realised how DAMN fickle alot guys are at the teenaged age. hahaha. no offence.
its amazin that some of them should happily jump into relationships.

sorry la. im kind of a cynic lately.

doing QT daily is giving me new insights. haha no more forgetting to do it yea :)




and i think im the only freaking loser who is able to blog EVERYDAY and dunno how many times a day too. wah. im like DAMN FREE CAN. does that mean everyone is actually studying?

blog hopping is dull.
all friends have ceased updating anything. a friend msged me earlier saying "internet is evil. its like cigarettes."

how dramatic right? :/

trying to study history is a dragggggg.

gah. i should have been SMARTER and taken chemistry instead!

anw im not too sure why im in arts fac lol. im not that brilliant at it. "jack of all trades, master of none" is an apt phrase.

wilfred has kindly slammed the door on my face, on my (somewhat) hopes and confirmed my impending doom.
even the slacker says i started way too late. should i even bother to study then? hah

i attempted to go wallet shopping today. the only decent ones were from guess? but they werent that nice either. ended up buying a truck load of stationery instead. consumerism as a form of escapism? but SO GHEY LA, the idea of buying stationery as a form of escape!

oh God. i think my life is sad to have reached such low point as this :/

anyhow! not going to church this weekend makes me feel :(((((((

i need more CDs. im running out of things/songs/noises to keep me awake. kindly donate your planetshakers/castingcrowns/theafters/passion or whatever else to me please! 987FM's hiphop is *!&^@)@*#^# annoying!

poseurs. RAWR

im wiped out.

i shall see if im attending church both services this weekend. im not missing church on a whim okay. somehow i cant seem to get much work done :(

was talking to kenneth koh earlier, kinda a bad habit of calling people by their full names. anyway he was saying Ssq was kinda dead. its kind of sad yes? too bright a start, too fast a fall. :/ ah well.

my current favourite song: Beautiful Love by the Afters. a style similar to coldplay i reckon. i the lyrics are kind of cheesy but i like the music! =D



uneventful cept that i bought some christian mini cards and that stuff. haha i cant resist ok. its just BUY BUY BUY!

study updates: status quo as of yesterday. yay i rock =.=

JC life is a hell hole.

plenty of superficial/on-the-surface friends, gossip, bitching, competition, rivalry.
im not saying all my friends are superficial k, im refering to the nature of some of the friendships. its pretty much touch-and-go for most; its understandable, we just dont have the time.


i was reading and searching wikipedia for fun on the background of the genre of christian music. U2 is christian surprisingly. and apparently amy lee from evanescence went to youth camp. im not sure if shes christian anymore tho. the afters is christian =D Beautiful Love is quite an artistic and listener-friendly piece. reliant k is christian. jars of clay, brian littrell, third day. think ill go buy more CDs once i have more time to listen :) music is pure love.

oh and Happy 19th Birthday Leon! :D
i dunno when you'll read this, but happy birthday all the same! enjoy your block holidays for now and dread the next sign in haha.






ignite! conference was pretty good :)

thank you for tonight God
i didnt even realise it till i reached home. what i unconsciously saw gives me hope. if he loves You, worships you and follows after you, it gives me reassurance that i can work with him. thoughts and doubts have been reeling in my mind. not of his capabilities la, but of the working together part. i dont want to fail you.

anw worship was pretty good. i realised that i REALLY enjoy slow songs now not just the jumpy crazy fun praise songs!

how has studying been? very bad.
and not productive. and its only the START of the studying process/spiral. gah. how much worse can it get? i really DONT want to know

i feel that some people dont have any right into entering any relationship or sorts

entering with wrong reasons such as seeking for stability in own life, trying to forget someone else, seeking for comfort is too contentious.

you'd destroy the other person, or even your self, especially if you cant completely move on.
not literally of course. but along the lines of hurt.


when you enter a relationship you gotta be prepared to do your all, wholeheartedly.
if you arent prepared to do that, you arent ready. if you only wish to be dependent on that someone, youre dragging him/her down.

and some people have the decency to ask me a few days/weeks/months later why did it all go wrong. i feel like screaming into their faces, WAKE UP. WAKE DAMN RIGHT UP.

im disappointed in you laine.
i know, some people will go why cant you be supporting, why cant you be nice and give advice and hope all goes well?

well. wake up. you broke up at the end of the last year, got together with another guy a few weeks later early in the year, only to break up a few weeks later again, and together with ANOTHER guy only to end a month and a half later. and now theres ANOTHER pending one? its 3 gone in 4 months.

your my good friend, and at times like this, you need a slap to wake you up and stop the destructive circle. too bad you dont read my blog tho.. im really not sure what to tell you now.


sheesh, i shd go into love/relationship counselling. God knows how many ive been doing in the past few years.

i should charge ^^
LOL

GP exam in the morning.
History tutorial and off to IGNITE! conference. had dinner with the LIVEWIRE! youth kids :)

didnt stay for the night one tho. tired, and besides few were going.
the street e workshop was pretty cool :) i just gotta copy sam's notes. my hands were way cramped after GP paper1 & 2


i realised something
i am only close/let myself be close to people/friends who i can REALLY respect. hahahaha. i dont really respect most people la. i will be nice normal and all. but respect's a different thing altogether.

block tests WILL be hellish. i havent started revision yet thank you very much.
it has started and i already cant wait for it to be over. painful long drawn process.

i hate the post exams grades release scrutiny.

i was wondering if i died, would anyone cry and mean it at my funeral?
im unconcerned with the numerical value of those who will come. it is quite insignificant no offence. i do know enough people.

but often you cant help but wonder, how superficial some friends can be.
and well, i want YOU to be real.

who doesnt



am INCREDIBLY jealous.

like *!)@_!(#@&#&!(!&##&#&!*! all my youths (i.e. the <3s>) are at IGNITE! conference tonight without me. dammmmnit. i hope the night that i go, most of them would go too! :)

stupid mj.
GP exam early tmw morning. oh, and EXTRA history tutorial too :( :( :(

its not the prep time la, since thats almost nothing. its the coming-home-late and the oh-i-am-so-tired deal.


and oh yah, mj split the maths lectures into lt4 and lt5. i feel like a cow. graded quality cow. they are splitting according to GRADES. zomggg. okay la. i got LT4 la, the supposedly 'better' LT. but thats gnna change when i screw up block tests, which is so not fair! i cant concentrate in lt5 seriously. i keep falling asleep or end of distracted by pierre's gay crap.

im still looking for answers of course...

its still devastatingly tiring. i dont want to give it all in, only to come out drained, come out emptied. i know He has great plans for me, that are right for me.

i can only hope the process isnt too heart wrenching, isnt too painful, isnt too long, before i reach The Point.

He knows my limits.




mindblowingly tiring day;

i was dead half thru econs sem at NTU. thank goodness for Manel who accompanied me thru out =D anw right after that i left for church- youth leaders training. from boon lay to punggol is &!%@^@ 1 and 1/2 hours to travel. UGH. why is the church so &!)@*@ DEEP IN?

haha interesting dinner with the other youth leaders. quite gay too. i think extreme tiredness makes you go on hyperhyperhyper. haha they were also talking bout tim's dream girl. wow, his criterias out-kickass mine!

OH and a part of sms convo with darren (the mj one):
michelle: (...) oh btw i found THE dream guy! hahaha
darren: ha ha ha. who who? where do you meet him? how old is he? tell me all the details tomorrow k? ha ha ha! i'm so gay!

YAH I KNOW that youre so gay! :D

its stupid/funny/spastic things like this that make me laugh.

anyway bout the whole studying shit. no i havent started. GAH =( i will, once GP exam is over. really! i have zero time tmw la :( :( :( and freak, i think im way too conscious of how people perceive my grades. im more conscious of that than of doing badly. ironic isn it. its a tremendous weight on my back, but any way no matter how well or badly i do, the looks say it all. its enough to kill your entire day, or even the week. sometimes i just want to duck my head into the sand like an ostrich, and never poke it back up to the earth and the too-bright lights.



gosh.

i feel so. damn. cheated!

good thing its 15 episodes and not 30. i'd die. gah

anw wu zun is still dishy. the height rocks la :) hahaha im being spastic. i think the whole trying to study but lapsing into someelse has given a few knocks in the brain. anyhow going to NTU tmw morning, hope xiwen's better and can go.



getting down to studying is tiring shit.

the self cajoling, the "hey if you dont study even muggerpot-dimwits'd beat you" 'motivational' talks and so on is giving me a headache. ugh

the channel u 7pm show ROCKS =D
youtube is pure love.

gahh.

i nearly had some sort of a breakdown during econs make up today. past few days, the tense feeling in me has been steadily mounting up. figuring out my workload, my activities and schedule today almost made me lose it. the first time i came so close to displaying the widening and uncontrollable cracks.

church is taking a MAJOR toil on my studies, i come to school every start of the week with nothing done. i have to cut some of the activities out soon. i will honour Him; honoring Him also means i must know how to juggle and balance my school and other activities la. i some how feel no one in the church realises the extent of the junior college work load. they are like "haha just come for Church Camp la, its no problem one" when church camp is directly the week before Mid Years. or when im piled up with various essays, "Trust and honour God and he will honour your actions". sure its a correct phrase, but balancing is impt too.

mr foo today was in a pissy-off mood dunno why man! training was a gag with him being PMS-ey and emofied and picky. anw during one of the scoldings, my phone started ringing and ringing and beeping with smses a few metres away in my bag. 6 calls, 5 smses. GAH. and the song was incredibly loud and ironic too. "Dance, dance" by Fall Out Boys.

today just wasnt a very good day altogether.

i dunno how im gnna complete my revision for block tests with the other activities i have on. -sighs

you know, i'd love to retain all my friends. but at times such as this, it would be good if some other people took the initiative instead. i have almost no energy to do anything.

oh gosh.

the past is haunting the future.

both moved on. but now both are back.
what am i to do?

its not logical, its not reasonable. in fact i'd call it far- fetched.


btw, THANKS JOAN!
she did this really cool skin for me. its really nice right! =D haha i totally owe you one, big time!

haha the whole hooha with the J1s coming in.

anyway the whole official cut off thing isnt very accurate one la. cos like have you heard of goofs with 8 raw score points applyin for MJ and not getting in. it depends on the discretion of the school and what they look out for; raw score, CCA, english score that kinda crap. anw grats to some of my freshies who are still staying =D yay.

but DAMN NOT FAIR LA. they widen each grade band so its EASIER to get As and Bs. gah.

for one aspect, i dont think there will be initiative on my part. sorry, i think i have been way too nice and being stepped over. unconscious or not.

been sleeping quite a bit.

i really WONT slip into the gaming thing again.
right?

mhm.

guy problem 1
guy problem 2
guy problem 3
guy problem 4
guy problem 5

a range of emotions; disappointment, sadness, annoyance, irritance, anger.
the phrase would be "go jump".

guys are really quite the root of all evil..
or most evil i would say. aha.

proven that female besties are the most reliable after al!
thanks loads last night nicole! tho it was like 3 am at your place and stuff, but thanks for listening and cheerin me up. lots of love!

xiaowen went SAJC :(
no fun, i was hoping for a larger chance to pick on him =D

and joan's creating a new blogskin for me!
wheeee~ thanks darlin

i wish words'd flow as smoothly and as quickly as when im blogging.
im stuck at 400 odd plus words for my lit essay. GAH. my usual essay is nearly thrice that thank you very much. its TEN PM AND I WANNA SLEEP OMGGG. dont wanna do lit essay :(

-grumpy

im gaga over the channel U 7pm show. omggggg


havent started on the darn lit essay all thanks to history.

anyway, i cant really start on it when i dont really understand the question, DO I? :(
sigh.

you always think that getting 6 points is easy, getting 4 As is easy, entering the top course is easy too.
well, it seems like a pile of bull now.

maths seems to be the only hope.
shant talk bout history there.

anw, i guess the whole importance of catching hold of whats there before time happens, and things change or move on? theres no use regreting anything. neither in the whole academia, or relationships-wise.

i have to make some decisions soon. im as tight as it is, im stretching from end to end about to snap. too many people giving me conflicting advices. i dont like. back off. i can make my own decision fine, althought i appreciate the sentiments.

it feels like im attending your funeral;

harder than i thought to tell myself its goodbye,
and dont hope. not to hope.


and its more than one funeral to attend.

life'd move on without you if you dont catch up. and catch up soon.
its time to get used to how things will be.

:)
haha, the irony.

yesterday was an entertaining night.





just got my chinese A levels results. got a B which isnt too bad, so i'll thank God for that! im not exactly elated, but its okay i guess. haha i think some people were expecting me to do much worse cos i dont mind being a kantang or being portrayed by myself or others as one.

some of my friends did quite brilliantly, like my cousin Christine who aced her S paper in lit. haha damn genius ok, and im pretty happy for her. i'd be happy with an A in my normal H2 Lit paper thanks! anw shes one of the rare few that i really truly respect. i believe that respect has to be earned/gained. apparently leon got perfect score- 4As, A1 in GP. smart bastard =D dunno how he did it on top of soccer training la. impressive okay. the A lvls felt so much nearer yesterday, seeing the senior bunch getting their results. haha bet it was lai's plan to make us wake up and wake up NOW.

anyhow teachers have been a bitch. 5 essays this weekend on top of the tutorials and what not. they can go jump la. i have NO TIME DURING WEEKENDS! :(

omggggggg huiyi's attached. YAYNESS :)
im so happy for her tho im damn cynical lately with the bouts of ends more than starts!

the mother was going on about every subject in detail last night.
it was painful to the ears; after all you get enough of that for more than 2/3s a day.
anyway i cant be the typical hwachong mugger that she was. im incapable in that aspect.

ha. its a bit like Kurtz being haunted, later obsessed and finally turned insane, all to do with his stupid ivory stock. (the Heart of Darkness). like wise, well at least for the haunted part. you hear all these repeated echoes of the same phrase! gah. how about a change of lines sometimes?

seems like life's nothing but school sleep eat church and back to school again.

relationships are way complex. too many total permutations; more wrong than right. (aha, maths) this year is broken relations one after another. im not refering to me heh.

OH econs test today was SCREWY. for a change i even read thru my notes properly, but GAHH i understood the passage but couldnt really interpret the stupid info and the qns :(

econs nowadays is almost as bad as hist. at least for hist i dont have that much to lose. haha when youre at rock bottom, the only place to go is up right? lolol.



you'd pretty much look back on old days and laugh.
not that life is bad now, its pretty alright actually. school is just a passing phase.




okay i think all that sleep the past few days have made me seriously time lagged.

i thought Soiree was NEXT thursday, can?
aha but i think its partly due to the spastic organising comm. almost zero advertisements, save for just ONE short unmemorable announcement during morning where everyone is half asleep or not paying attention to most of the rubbish thats always reported/going on anyway.

tmws econs test but im stil *@^!@&^#&&# demoralised bout econs la. dont want to touch them!

and no history test tmw but take home essays GAH. I HAVE NO TIME DURING WEEKENDS! =(( think i will have to cut down on church activities. same old phrase; i practically live in church on weekends. its not like im losing interest or backsliding, but yah, you have to balance things out.

mhm, totally sucky. i hate it that my ankle/foot is so damn weak. it twists WAY too easily. hah, almost every other week it'll get knocked up. and ill play crappy strokes during cca.

OH YAH. hotel rwanda's a really good movie. we were watching it in GP. genoicide. the Hutus vs. the Tutsis. some sort of major civil war, millions massacred. and it was based on a true story. it really made me grateful for the life i have in Singapore. thankful that its safe, thankful that its racially harmonious (generally aha), thankful cos i know He's got my back at all times :)

haha some people in school couldnt believe that i was a Christian, much less attend church regularly! they even thought i was an atheist.

michelle
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contact: tungmichelle@hotmail.com

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