its ironic that as the year closes im consumed by a sense of loss. loss.

what pastor rachel said was too right too accurate. markedly there has been some changes, but perhaps it is not enough.

im tired of all these. i have tried before. i think i just need a LOT of help. sighs-

i know i have to get out of this rut. but gosh
its a mad scrabble against what you cant see.

i know ultimately i will survive like always, but the process, hopefully will not be painful.
and of course to emerge in one good piece.

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it. Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

accurate to a large extent. figure whats wrong lol.

Happy New Year to all
(although this post is rather down on the doldrums)

today church was pretty much fun. worship was hilarious (in a good way) and except for that blip to not play bridge in church again, it was pretty much cool :) will be going for a church BBQ tmw :)

but somehow whilst i was at home, some time in the late afternoon i was pretty much aware of how CLOSE the new year was. and it struck some sort of a chord of anxiety and fear. i said that i was glad to be "mostly out of the whole fear-of-rejection phase" yesterday. i know what i say can be so conflicting at times, but i guess i still do fear a hell lot of things. sometimes im ok sometimes not but id never show. in the Now i believe im ok, but i guess some times i do remember past things which hits obviously all the wrong notes.

what am i currently fearful of?
the new school year. doing badly scares me. doing better than my classmates scares me too for reasons i wont spell out too explicity. studying hard (as hard as the rest) scares me because i cant do that with my other commitments.
cell. what if working with xp doesnt go as well as i hope?
friends. gosh. what can i say, or start with?

hahaha. i guess its mainly fear of men (or women rather).

i hate the feeling of being thrown into a whirlpool again, fighting to either find a way out, or to figure out how to finally go with the flow

but i guess im still hopeful. many many many hopes and dreams. many things to accomplish.
hah of course God over Man.

but sometimes, cant help but being a bit worried la. lol

its ALMOST the last day of the year

so i guess ill recollect my thoughts on this year.

what im grateful for:
1) God. for helping me in my studies, gosh knows i have no studied as much as i should but i did ok anyway! also with some problem through the years
2) family. ironic? haha. maybe people get sentimental over the years
3) ROLC youths. its just <3 <3 <3 <3! its been quite a cool year, i know it'll get even better next :)
4) Joce Joy Nicole, always lol. we're still in touch :)
5) some MJ friends, they know who they are. despite knowing quite a bit of people around, sometimes i still do feel lost in the big crowd. JC makes you feel that way sometimes. but some friends make it better :)

its been a whirlwind of a year. it seems to past too quickly. but i think this coming year will be even more exciting! :)

cell. im really quite excited, anxious, worried all rolled in one! i wish, hope, pray that XP will be a super duper big help! teaching makes me nervous really. surprised? i know i hardly ever show any fear at all.

im glad im mostly out of the whole fear-of-rejection phase
and more importantly glad that im out of my secondary school years. not that TKGS was a bad experience, but rather in those years, too much unhappy, awful, quite trumatising things happened that i will never want to relive.

ahead for better years!

today got to see sarahtimxwxp back again :)

xw xp bought samuel this molest-alarm thing. hahahhaaha c'mon la who would molest a BOY? -grins. they got me a MIRROR and this microphone sweet thing and chocolates. thankkksssss im so touched hahaha! :D

tmw's church service will be too interesting for words. oh gosh. kids action songs >< hahahaha!

uncle wc's gnna spike hair ROFL

church on friday
church on saturday
church on sunday
church on monday.

wheeee~ how fun :)

internet has been pretty weak and blogger was taking WAY TOO SLOW to load these past days, so i havent been blogging, nor gaming.








alright i think ive been eating too much these few days :(

anyhow i got Puma shoes from parents as christmas gift. its red and white, the flat sort :D haha. i realised that i like red and white school shoes. my adidas pair AND my yonex court shoes are BOTH red and white.

-grins.

oh no i dont want to go to school so early on wednesday :((

BLESSED CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! :)

yesterday night, gave out the last of my presents and phew!, that the shoes we got pastor rachel fits ahahaha :D got a couple more presents, not surprisingly, most of them are made up of various accessories like necklaces and earrings. -grins.

thankew for the cards, presents and all! <3

i didnt dare eat much the whole day (i.e as my daily diet consists of junk food and some doses of chilli) until i performed finish We Were the Reason. i was so afriad of losing my voice before i sang! and of course the "Gross Food Eating Competition", of course samuel won la, hands down. when it comes to eating... its not much of an issue in this family, we <3 eating, cept probably im more picky haha! hahaha after the whole session was over at past 1am, it was pretty much time to eat ;) Christmas program this year was quite enjoyable and well planned, but would have been more fun if sarahtimxwxp were back of course! which they will be in a few days i think :)

last week of holidays. i have yet to touch my homework... to do or not to do? hahaha.

probably later tonight will be shopping :D parents have yet to buy sam and me our presents. i want shoes! nike dunks or adidas or pumas will be great :) quite sore all over, i slept at only 530AM!

have a great last week of holidays everyone!
with lots of <3

For God so loved the world,
that He gave,
His only Son.

Love that stronger,
Love that covers sin,
and takes the weight of the world.

christmas practice was alright. worried that i lose my voice, even the very tiny percent matters man with that song :S i hope i dont get the jitters tmw. but i get to wear my new vintage +additions blouse and that belt jocejoy got me! <3

OH YEA, darren got me christmas present LOL. now hes broke, i think. im rather surprised i have to say. -grins. thanks anw :D

samuel had a bbq at our house for his band mates. so anyhow some of us went out to watch some of the cornerstone youth band. -grins. they were not too bad :) saw Janice Chiang there as well.

i really DONT wanna go back to school.
i havent done my hw :(

lalala i wanna buy new shoes soon! like Dunks or those adidas ones :) love walking shoes wheee~

christmas gathering for my dad's side family.
as usual, one word sums it up - comfortable.

all my relatives are all pretty much all round jokers, so pretty much fun :)

and i got LOVELY presents! XD

from joce&joy- a lovely butterfly motifed vintage belt and a black strap top

from unclewengchee&auntyevelyn- two sets of lovely earrings <3 i think by start of year my earring collection would have at least 50 pairs
from unclewenghoong&auntyzainap- this really cool turquiose necklace from japan <3
from auntychristabel&grandfather- rusty top, half jacket, dorothy perkin's pullover, metal blue butterfly necklace, elle shoulder bag

woots. i like them ALL this year. VERY nice :)

anyhow pretty sad that i wont get to see my mom's family side on those christmas days. we met up once for dinner a couple days back but that was that. how STRANGE not to celebrate christmas together. -shrugs. i did get my present and mostly hongbaos, but still weird la. haha i do like my cousins :)

that reminds me, school is starting soon such a big drag.

and i have to really stop gaming.

pretty worried for Christmas programme. we were the reason is not an easy song.

mr postman is REALLY slow. i know of friends who posted me cards so long ago and they still HAVENT reached. rawrrrr :(

in the secret place i will hide
where i can be free
unto the place where ive found
unto you.

the happy song
Oh I could sing unending songs
Of how you saved my soul
& I could dance a thousand miles
Because of your great love

My heart is bursting Lord
To tell of all you've done
Of how've you changed my life
And wiped away the past

Yes I wanna shout it out
From every roof top sing
For now I know
That God is for me, not against me

thank you for all these while :)
as usual, heads up.

ALL PRESENTS settled including parents (all except for darren's which i will get later)

:)

did up the rest of the youths' cards today my fingers are CRAMPED. it was major chionging card time. i mean it wont be nice to just give your good friends presents and exclude the rest what. besides some of them are really nice people after all haha. joan helped with the tree design ^^

class chalet was alright, but nothing too exciting since ive been in too many camps and overseas trips since holidays started after the horrible PW. hope xiwen's ok :)

christmas song We Were the Reason is a major headache. keep changing so many details ugh. well. i honestly dont care who plays keyboard as long as it gets DONE. -shrugs

this weekend has been exhausting.

moving back all my furniture and my uncountable number of things back into my room has been really tiring. the amount of junk i have is impressive.

chanced upon a letter i thought i threw away sometime ago which surprisingly invoked rather sentimental and even, sad, feelings. i have this habit of throwing things belonging to certain (rare) people from whom i want to move away from, move on from. like a new beginning, a new start.id only pick and keep ONE photo as a sort of memory or remembrance or sometimes even as a warning. lol. i like my current life now much better than the years before in preteens or early teens. anyway that letter is in pieces now.

its my way of getting on with life. i dont want things to hold me back.

yesterday was youth retreat, abeit a very short one. worship was good just samuel on the guitar and me singing. it was enjoyable, no pressures for coordination with the rest of the big band and such. actually we didnt even practice before hand, we just... flowed haha! but it was not too bad. and im officially sick of bridge. im no more even bothering to think properly in the game. therefore, an unbecoming turn in the tide of the hands. but well, if lets say timothy plays bridge, hell yeah ill play! LOL. playing with tim is so dead exciting as those who has played with him will understand why hahaha yea :P i was rather apprehensive to this youth retreat because ALL the older youths couldnt make it. majority of them were overseas while three others couldnt make it due to other reasons :( haha a sort of day care centre running in a sense! but it was alright i guess. joan was talking to me in the wee hours of the night. i finally got the chance to sleep quite past four am only to wake up an hour or so later to raise the temperature of the aircon. it felt like melbourne in june (winter) all over again ;)

and nicole tan wan pin dearest, i hope youre doing okay! :) sucks to those awful people. and install a security alarm darling! haha youre completely strange, a stomach piercing to make up for the loss of the laptop :S

really tired but later have a class i have to attend. yet again, i feel like im going to waste my money. im in no condition to sit down and listen to someone yak for two good hours! tmw's class chalet, i initially said i would stay ONE night because i had things on on the other days but thinking of last minute not staying overnight. im quite exhausted and tired of living out of a luggage. it has been endless since we left for australia mid last month.

shall hopefully meet joy, and separately joan and perhaps the gins as well on wednesday to do some last minute shopping. i like spending time with these people, but honestly shopping has become quite a bore! however i obtained quite a good sum of money over the weekend to do some REALLY good shopping, so i shall see how! :)

strangely, practicing on STAGE in church for the duet thing has me in jumbles. unusual for a person who is immune to this kind of thing. probably because its a solo part with just a simple piano playing. and i hate singing into a mike. AND on a stage. it makes your voice sound so much more LOUD but missing out the special essence of the difference styles and vocal chords of each singer. ugh. without mike is so much better.

a long post for once (in a long time) haha!

i shall really have to keep to reading my bible more regularly. i have the discipline of a cat, i.e. almost none. ill probly keep a journal although all along i wasnt keen on that idea because i dont like people chancing on my own personal thoughts. yes, certain things i do guard very jealously tho im very open and direct by nature.

prayer and reading. yes, key essentials.

-shrugs. anyway im extremely hopeful for next year :)

mhmm i wonder how im gnna make it WITHOUT lunch today. fasting. (who has ever heard Michelle Tung ever NOT eating? haha live to eat, not eat to live! dieting is completely brainless btw) but i feel i should do it. no its not like its a particular time where all Christians MUST fast, but its a choice. im asking for just this sunday night, Christmas Eve. just that one person and even more, and smooth sailing program please! :)

dinner at paramount.
we ordered lots a good 15 over dishes haha <3

i wont be online for some time to come! camp tmw chalet tues and all. gosh.

ive finished christmas presents :)

i am so damn tired from packing back everything into the house, renovations are nearly over.

new table is lovely <3

wiped out more later perhaps.

today was really torturous. who has ever heard of shopping in BEDOK? ><

okay but we bought stuff like Nike shirts from sportslink that kind of thing. and lots of earrings, bracelets accessories which are on BRILLIANT prices :)

<3

thank God for some company; samuel and joan.

i accomplished this much today (presents):
aviel's,
daniel's,
tiffany's,
avy's,
joy's,
4 christmas exchange gifts,
pastor rachel's,
timothy's,
and a couple of my small items haha

ive completed EVERYONES shopping. except for Christine my dear cousin shopping for you is always quite a ride. a long ride at that. and joan's which is half done.

tmw will go back to my own house finally. new furniture! i get a new desk haha its pretty big and YES i get to access my dearest earrings shelf ^^

i need to design the other.. 18 cards this weekend. christmas is wiping me out. cards and presents. oh gosh i wont want to step into a mall for any intentional shopping for sometime to go.

wil be meeting up with cousins tmw night. yes im rather looking forward to it! :)

hate house renovations. anyway im at my grandparents' now since tmw my house is being varnished and you know how piercing the smell is!

went parkway, vivo AND bugis all in one day. great company :D
unfortunately, i went with too little money (forgot to ask). only bought Samuel's christmas present; a shirt. its not bad.

left to buy: jw jl kenneth
incomplete: joce joy

tmw ill go to parkway to buy some cousins' christmas presents. huge discounts. and of course, theres a brilliant Mango sale as well! haha. im pretty happy with my rusty buy yesterday. but the jacket that i bought doesnt seem to fit too well with it :S

-shrugs

shopping is no longer a big fascination. a lot of things i see, but dont like anyway. so yeah. or out of my price range. or doesnt go. too picky sometimes i know!

i lost one side of the special Christmas earrings i got at australia :((((((

what if i said thank you for the roses?


christmas shopping can be such fun and such a killer
times in whereby you have ZERO idea what to get the person, times where people buy goofy presents

shopped today got joan's present, and bought a rusty strap thing top its really pretty and on BIG discount. -grins

i may just go back and buy MORE!

tmw to vivo.

am still living in my living room -sighs

thou shalt not eat up a pack of keropok in a day :S

house renovations under way!
hail the siege!

yeah right.
slacked whole morning, watched seven episodes of a Korean drama and more time on the computer

:D

im really not quite a people person
if i ever appear to be, its due to the 683039927 amount of effort im putting into it
its conscious

sometimes i wish i were.
itd be so much easier to deal then. after all the damn world is made up of 181716261 million people and at every nook and cranny you see them streaming seemingly out of air.

but thank Goodness shyness is hardly the issue. judgements, comments and assumptions are far too common in this life for one not to bother much anymore.

certains the same but some things too different.

anyway i watched Ch8's Star Awards! im glad Fiona Xie got her prize i think shes damn hot. and im surprised Rui En didnt bite anyone's head off heh. too bad Jacelyn Tay, Joanne Peh and Yvonne Lim didnt get tho. i dont care about the guys. and i think the whole talking in between giving the prizes; a lot of it was unneccessary unentertaining and a waste of time.

anyway i finally packed everything OUT of my room. its amazing how much crap ive stored up over the year. and those who has seen my room know it to be neat. ><

im not looking forward to this week.
refugee camp :(

this holiday feels way too busy.
im more busy now than at promos thats for sure

christmas carolling has become a pain in the neck. singing the same 5 songs every week till christmas is a dread. the duet We Were The Reason is pretty much uncomplete still, thanks to being sick that has left me without a voice for more than a week.

a big rush this week tmw the renovators are coming
all my (precious, treasured, favoured, beloved; pick whichever adjective) things have to be packed in nasty cardboard boxes by tonight.

its like being a refugee in your own house.

i used to feel immensely guilty that im not doing any thing academic during the holidays
its come to a point i dont care anymore. screw college. im unbelievably jealous of shinyu whos going to poly. too bad it isnt my type of thing.

i had hoped the christmas month be more fun. part of me is excited, lots of things to do; part of me is in the doldrums being that lots of friends are away; namely: sarahtimxwxp for a good 3 wks, reyesmikeshawn who are mostly away anyway, jocejoy whom im only meeting one day on the 21st due to other traveling or whatnot plans, and a couple more others

havent met up much with schoolmates since i left for australia
which may be a good thing haha for some.

after all, onslaught of seeing the same people for a good 11 months when school terms start.

plenty of things to arrange and plan. serious migraine
and pretty much down in the dumps. i think the lack of sleep has caught up to me.

to end things off on a brighter note, church today was pretty fun :)

and TAKE CARE SARAH & TIM!
will totally be missed when you guys leave for Japan tonight for good 3 weeks ><

<33

saw some photos
quite jealous i have to say

haha

was at natasha's and kenneth's house for christmas practice
<3 their keropok <3

weekends are always good :)
will be good (so i hope!)

some sort of delight
some sort of sadness.

i wish some things werent gone, some people werent gone

its so hard to say good bye.

i hope i get a brighter sign

okayy IM SO DAMN HAPPY
haha i bought this ikea flower glass thing and went to the florists today to get the flowers done. its REALLY pretty.

i know i know. despite my demeanour, im a sap for flowers!
but anyway, the flowers arent for me. they are for my aunt. its her birthday today :) samuel baked cheese cake as well. this particular aunt dotes on me lots!

OH and i bought this large box with like extendable compartments in it for my earrings. -grins

its weird, when you get older you get more sentimental.
-shrugs

i have to go shopping soon. i keep waking up too late for it cos i want to be back by 530pm to watch tv. thats all i do lately. get online, sleep, eat, and watch tv. sometimes, shopping.

im sucha bum.
i havent done my maths hw, nor read othello, nor done history. and econs? forget it, im not even going there.

id like to be stable for once. but its wistful thinking really. and i dont want to waste my time all over again.

hahaha yesterday was a mad rush

painting the house, and polishing it all up is a BAD IDEA
the thought of packing up EVERYTHING into boxes annoys me. i was busy packing everything into boxes yesterday.

i like my room the way it is
and i dont want to live in my living room while they paint everything up! :(

oh and you know what would make the perfect christmas gift this year?
some box with LOTS of compartments so that i can store my 40-odd pairs of earrings, as well as my number of rings, bracelets, necklaces and whatnot. haha my current box with 4 compartments is overcrowded.

funny thing that although i have lots of earrings, some of them i hardly ever wear. some are even completely untouched. but well its a fetish. fetish for earrings. haha. i only pierced my ears in late sec 2. imagine if i had pierced even earlier, my collection would be MUCHMUCH larger into the 100-odd i believe.

lately im resisting to buy more pairs :S

anyhow i suddenly realise i got lots of new tops i havent worn. just short of bottoms, like skirts and jeans. cant buy any skirts anyway, my parents are against short skirts :S

ugh. i wish everything can be bought thru a catalogue! shopping is.. painful nowadays. especially when your budget is not unlimited.

hahahaa i got the youth christmas cards designed, and done! so damn happy okay my fingers were cramping from all the cutting and the little fiasco with the 'missing faces'. bought nat's present as well so that leaves joan's, kenneth's, the gin's.

ive been slacking so damn much feeling so damn guilty!
sleep eat spend money.

tmw will be going shopping. its becoming such a chore!

writing in this blog is being reduced to quite a triviality
i used to be able to write openly about whatever i wanted, whatever i felt no matter
but, now that i know, for sure, that certain people have access to this

it feels like something has been stolen from me

i cant rant anymore
i cant write anything explicitly

honestly, some of those "people" are my parents. (sorry christine, i know it feels weird if they read yours too!)
they think that we all should be open and tell each other everything just because we're tied by blood

theres no way in hell or heaven, do i believe that

i guard my secrets, my feelings jealously.

past few days ive been wanting to express certain things, but i cant and i wont. it would do me a humongous favour if they, and some other people, butt out of reading this. i realise that this can be a source of entertainment to some, certain things they would never have known from my face value. everyone loves a good ol' secret or insight eh?

especially adults. no, im not in that i-hate-all-parents-all-authotarians teenage phase. but certain things, its so trying for me to explain myself to people who dont even want to understand, who just want to slap an easy to understand label on me. easier to catergorize, in simplified form. simple nonthreathening label.

its ironic that just as some of us humans love to unravel secrets, the same
people are also always afraid of finding out things they cant handle

and its really more than just that.

been feeling so tired lately. so so tired.
no, not that something terribly bad has happened. but some things running through your head just get you down.

"let me run away
see the things i need to get done
fly the breeze
and perhaps seek some solace in someone's arms"

do you know how terrified i am of next year?
i dread the passing days of holidays i just dont want them to end, no
but they seem to be passing too fast

just so damn... scared.

anyhow dropped by joan's before i went to xpxw's today. she just woke up haha. xp was also still sleeping when i called in the morning to check with xw if they are all awake. in the end she went to their house with me. sam didnt go after all. even taught xw how to play bridge it was a funny but painful affair as i lost a bit more than won- to a newb too!

will miss the lot of them sarah tim xp xw when they are gone for ages :(

went to Youth Leadership Camp/Retreat. it was pretty much fun aside from the lessons. we ate, card gamed quite a bit. Tim is still King Noob :D hahahaha. sarah picked it up quite fast. we basically me samuel tim xp and sarah were bridging away every night. haha im surprised they havent got sick of it yet. i guess its to keep our hands and heads a bit busy.

feel kinda bad bout OGL stuff since i havent been to camp nor a single meetin this holidays yet! but i will go this week to help paint banner or whatever haha!

kinda the pits that sarah tim xw xp are going overseas for SUCH a long time. less fun about i guess.

i didnt go to the TB Joshua thing tonight tho i was interested to; was quite tired i slept thru the entire afternoon! anyhow tmw will be going to xpxw's house with samuel. pass them their christmas presents before they leave.

you know, im pretty scared of getting burnt.
in that arena, i may just be a scaredy cat.

michelle
100789
foursix, tkgs
06A201, mjc
LIVEWIRE!, rolc church
into God' friends badminton keyboard/piano
music reading tibia chocs sweets sleeping eating
contact: tungmichelle@hotmail.com

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